I really suck at emotional self-management.
There. I said it. The cat’s out of the bag, friends! The truth can be ugly, and there it is.
I’m really not skilled at managing my emotions.
If you know me personally that may come as a surprise to you. You may even disagree altogether. Or maybe you see right through me and are thinking, “duh Amanda. Is this supposed to be new information? C’mon now.”
Don’t get me wrong. I can be very good at suppressing my emotions. I am a master at setting my emotions aside, especially in emotionally-charged situations. In college I had a roommate that would get so, so angry with me when we had disagreements. One time she blew up in the middle of a “conversation” about taking the garbage out and started yelling about how whenever we had a confrontation I turned so condescending and holier-than-thou and cold.
She called me a bitch.
I was flabbergasted. Never in my life had I heard those words in relation to myself. No, on the contrary I was used to hearing that I was far too emotional. I was too touchy-feely. I was crazy. I was overly dramatic. I was a sap. I let my emotions run me. I was too nice. I was a pushover. I was a bit much.
I have been told in many ways by many people through the course of my life that I am emotional – and it always seemed to be a dirty word.
Eventually I started to realize they had a point. “I have always been someone quick to tears.” “I could probably stand to put my foot down a bit more often, and definitely more firmly.” “I do come on a bit strong if I think about it. It probably makes some people really uncomfortable.” “They do have a point that no one else seems to be so sensitive.”
By my early 20’s I started to associate a lot of negative things in my life with my overcharged emotions. “If I wasn’t so emotional I wouldn’t have these damn depression issues. I wouldn’t have anxiety in my life.” I made decisions with my heart, and those decisions led me into situations I never intended to be in nor was I proud of.
Emotions became dangerous. So I learned to manage them.
Well… that’s not actually true. I didn’t so much learn to manage them as I learned to suppress them and that’s a completely different thing. I learned what it feels like when my emotions start to rise (heart beat quickens, cheeks flush, butterflies in my stomach, tightening in my chest) and as soon as I noticed those “warning signs” I shut it down. I learned how to remove emotion from my reactions and take the feeling out of it.
Fast forward to my roommate yelling “you can be such a bitch!” and storming out of the room and you can see how well that worked out for me.
It sucked to hear that. A lot. It hurt and I cried. But I am also so thankful she said that because that single comment made me self reflect enough to realize that emotional suppression is NOT emotional management.
I can’t shut down my heart in a conversation or a situation and respond outside of my emotions. Just because I’m not expressing or displaying the emotion I’m feeling doesn’t mean I’m not expressing or displaying something. And usually lack of emotion can come across as cold, heartless, condescending. Bitchy.
See I thought my emotions bothered people. I thought my emotions were driving people away from me and making my life harder. In reality, emotions are what bond us together and it’s when we remove that human element that we start to feel disconnection, loneliness, and conflict. If people ever found themselves bothered by me it wasn’t because of my emotions, it was because of how I was displaying them.
Don’t get me wrong – I am under no impression that I will ever be able to find an emotional display that will make everyone happy, nor am I interested in doing so. However I do realize that I found relational (and personal) strife in the extremes of emotional display, but as I learn to truly and actually manage my emotions instead of letting them run wild or suppressing them I have found deep, meaningful, and beautiful connections with those around me. And isn’t that really all we really want?
Do you find that your emotional management could use a little polishing? Here are a few ideas and resources to start you out:
- Take a break from the situation
- Even just a couple deep breaths as you count to 10.
- See the bigger picture
- What do you want to come of this situation? Keep that goal in mind as you move through it.
- Emotional Intelligence 2.0
- A fantastic book that includes an assessment and personalized pointers
- Available pretty much anywhere – book stores, Amazon, etc.
- Find friends or family who are emotional safe spaces
- It’s important to find people you don’t always have to regulate with, people who are willing to remain objective and provide honest perspective so you don’t stay stuck in an unproductive emotional state.
- Find a counselor!
- It’s amazing how beneficial it is to talk out your thoughts and feelings with a professional who can provide new and additional ways to think about a situation.
- Find a physical outlet
- Take a walk with a friend, dance it out in the bathroom stall at work, go for a run, weight-lift, kick-box. Exercise pumps your body with feel-good endorphins and a little time and space away from the situation can help clear your mind.
- Journal
- Do a mind dump to get your thoughts and feelings out of your head and onto paper in front of you. It’s far easier to make sense of them that way.
- Pray, meditate, reflect
- Connect yourself with your faith or spirituality. It’s always a good idea.
- Forgive yourself
- Emotions are hard and messy. Don’t be too hard on yourself. Feel your feelings and do your best to